Theory Vs.Reality

Kid says to his dad, "What the difference between theory and reality?  Dad says "Ask your sister what she would do for $200."  Sis says, "I'd get down and dirty."  Dad says, now go ask your mom what she'd do for $500."  Mom says, "I'd get down and dirty."  Dad says, "Now you see son in theory we have $700 worth of p*ssy in this house but in reality we just have a couple cheap whores."

Once you get out on the road it's a whole different ball game.  That's when reality sets in.  Here are a few tips and tricks I picked up along the way, many of you might have heard these before but damn it always bears repeating:

Eye cover
Cruising with sunglasses through the park - cool.  Dry eyes on the highway - not.  Of course we are notorious for sacrificing comfort for the cool factor but when it starts to effect your driving ability it's much cooler to ride your bike like a pro than a ho.  It's worth spending money on a good pair of glasses with padding on the inside, or goggles.  If you have a helmet with a visor it's a good eye-dea (shit) to have sunglasses with you anyway in case you are riding into the sun.

Two up riding
Start the bike before she get on.  Have her give you a signal that she is ready to get on and you have a signal back that you are ready for her.  My ol lady taps me on the left shoulder cuz that's the side she gets on and I nod my head if I'm ready for her.  Tell her NOT to lean into turns.  Instead she is to look over the shoulder you are turning through.  This is just enough but not too much.

Elbows bent:
When I first started riding I had my elbows basically locked.  Bend your elbows for better control of your bike.  Sounds counterintuitive but so is counter steering so get used to it. 

Trucks / SUVs
Try not to ride behind them but if you do, try to do these two things. 1) Stay far enough behind so that on-coming traffic can see you.  If you are too close to the back of the truck he may slam on his brakes because the guy in front of him just hit someone, a deer jumped out in front of him or some other thing.  You won't see that because you were too close to the back of the guy.  The other thing that could happen is that oncoming traffic wants to make a left (classic case) and they don't see you following the truck.  Next thing you know - you have to catch an assault case for beating some cager's ass. 2) In keeping with this first point I try to stay in the left side of the lane for better visibility.  If you are too far to the right, again oncoming traffic won't see you and you won't see them.

Sun cover
If it's a t-shirt day I roll up an extra long sleeve shirt and tuck it in the tool pouch.  Days when I thought I wouldn't need it are the days when I needed it the most.  It's nice to get the sun off your skin on those days when you ain't got shit to do but ride all through the city, cruise the Mission Trail, head on up to Boerne and just be a wanderer.

Now go be a bad ass today...

Bike Farts: Laugh Now...Cry Later

You know you've done it!  Went to Taco Garage or the 410 Diner and 30 minutes into your next ride you got bubble guts.  Here's why it happens and what to doo about it (hehe).

First of all when you ride it's physically taxing more than driving a car as we all know so you are spending energy to keep your arms, hands, feet, head, torso and legs all working in conjunction with the bike.  You go on a long ride and a very enjoyable part of it is pulling off at a cool spot like out in Bandera and getting in on some of the local BBQ joints or MX food spots with your buddies.  You need a rest and to refill your energy bucket so your go for the beef enchiladas.  Or maybe it's the grease burger.  Hell you might even end up with the chili.  Good riding stuffs.  But don't forget that you often laugh now just to cry later.

So you take off on down the road after an nice filler up.  The engine is a-rumbling.  The pipes are a-blastin.  The ol'lady is behind you hanging on and she don't even care that you're a little wider in the waste than when you started the ride cuz that lunch was goo-uuud!  But then, subtly the guts start bubblin. 

Now you have a number of options here and I'll discuss them all.

The hold it in method:
Try to push your weight down on your bike with your butt cheeks tucked together.  Your weight will keep your ass shut.  It's real so don't act like this is something new.  The drawback is that it can get a little uncomfortable.

The squeeze it out method:
Try to tilt your pelvis forward so your mud chute gets just enough room out in front of the sack to let it squeeze out slowly.  Pretty good method but you risk the time factor.  You may think you got it all out just to hit a speed bump and start the process all over again.

The blow it out your ass method:
Raise up off the pegs and let er rip!  If you have an ol lady on the back this is not recommended.  However if you've been together long enough it will come as no surprise.  You can do this standing at a red light which is what I suggest instead of standing on the pegs.  It's safer but she will of course get the lingering effect.  If she has a full face helmet on this may be the best way.

Now, if you try to just go ahead and let loose as you would on your couch at home I don't recommend it.  The reason is that the dynamics of your jeans at that angle sitting on a leather seat will force you to push harder than you would if you were relaxing at home.  This can lead to dangerous consequences.  In my circle we call it "becoming a real man".  Don't become a real man on your bike, shit filled boots is not a good look.

F'd Up Riding Instructor

A funny memory.  When I took my safety class one of the instructor's names was Popeye.  I noticed he walked with a little swagger which I thought was all a part of his bikerness.  To be fair, the guy was as genuine as can be.  No act there, just a real cool dude.

Popeye is in his 60s and as the class went on he started to share his road stories.  He had lost his thumb crashing into the side of a mountain.  One of his feet was amputated from diabetes.  He lost sight in one eye - either a rock or something had hit him in the face.  I know he was missing a few chompers but that was just "one of those things".  He had his other hand in a brace.  Apparently he left the parking lot of the riding school three weeks before with his kickstand down and wiped out.  Yup, this was our instructor.

Our class was just 3 guys because I took it the week of Thanksgiving.  Perfect timing.  3 students, 2 instructors.  Man it was the best.  One of the guys had been riding for 7 years and never got his license.  He was a mid 20s speed bike guy.  Told me that he was glad he took the class because he learned a few things like to keep the bike in 1st at stops.  The other guy was a bar owner who was given a bike by his daughter.  They had to stop the class once and told him they were going to kick him out if he didn't look through the damn turns.  I got the name "Slacker" in class because I kept trying to start the dang thing in first.

Our other instructor, Robert I remember most for the following bit of advice.  "I'm gonna tell you one thing about 18-wheelers - stay the fuck away from em!"  Always rode with a lit cigar through the training course.  Tall mofo and still wore boots with about 2 inches of sole, no shit.

Anyway, Popeye would tell me, "Slacker, look up so you can see all that p*ssy on the sidewalks.  They will be looking at you when you roll by."  Since it was just the 3 guys there were off color jokes a plenty.

At the end he gave us all a business card and invited us to check out one of his club's many functions throughout the year.  Having a card actually isn't a bad idea.  You tend to meet a lot of cool folks out in the streets, cycle shops, fundraisers.  The back of his card said, "Popeye - keeping one eye on the road."  Hell, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at? I think my card will say, "Slacker - still looking up after all these years".

Eyes Up - It's a Lot Like Life Innit?

Okay so anyone who has ridden knows that you are to look where you are going.  You will eventually hear someone say, "so if you look down, where do you think your bike is going to go?".  So what is behind this?  I have a hypothesis.

First of all many folks start driving cars before they learn to ride a motorcycle.  When driving a car people tend to look out a maximum of 20 ft in front of their bumper.  Beginning riders often carry this with them on their first few bike rides.  That is a big bad problem that must be corrected quickly.

You know that to take many of your turns if you go too slowly you will have a low-side and if you go too quickly you risk a high-side or wipe out.  Typically your bike has to go faster than you think you need to go to have the force to stick to the street through the turn. 

Here's my take:  if you are focused on the street below your brain will process the passing dash marks, lines, street etc. and determine that you are going faster than you actually are.  If you are looking out at the horizon your brain has a much wider field of vision, takes in more information and thus enables you to make a more correct judgment of the speed required.  This of course is only one of the benefits of keeping those eyes up.

To see this in action, get on a ferris wheel.  Look at the car below you and you will seem to be going faster than if you look at the car ahead or above you.  Take in more information, make a better decision.  Sounds a lot like life doesn't it.

Living the Dream

When I was a kid I dreamed of riding a steel horse.  I guess I was about 10.  Even got my folks to buy an orange a black huffy bicycle with a what I know realize was an attempt at a café racer seat.  I never could understand why that thing was so square and long but man I wish I had that bike for my kids now.  It even had a faux plastic gas tank and racing number.  My favorite t-shirt had a gorilla riding a motorcycle.  Come to think of it, I recall drawing pictures (not very accurate ones) of motorcycles and had a couple of those toys that you pull back on and watch them go.

In 6th grade there was dirt bike Barret.  Dirt bike buddy once wrecked the thing and said, "just tell my dad you did it.  He won't get mad at you but he'll kill me".  Fair enough, took one for the team and sure enough the dad was cool.

Then there was mini-bike Mike.  Sometimes known as Mikey-tyow for forgotten reasons.  Probably had something to do with partying.  This was high school, riding that little bike (2-up mind you- not cool but who cared) with a back pack, a couple quarts and whatever else.  Head out to the woods, rag that bike out and generally be little bad asses.  At least we thought so.

Got older and started saving a few bucks here and there.  Finally had enough for my own dirt bike.  Searched through craigslist.  Days turned to weeks and weeks to months.  Finally, low and behold - a real motorcycle.  He had the money, he had the connection and the bike was there for the taking.  A childhood dream had come true. 

I still remember Pat, the 71 year old mechanic I bought that bike from.  What a cool old guy.  Said he was giving it up due to bad knees but that he and the ol lady had gone on many rides over the years and might be getting a trike. 

I guess there actually is a point to this rambling trip through memory lane.  For many motorcyclists, it's a life long passion.  Its about friendships, experiences, nostalgia.  What you see on the road is just a small part of that timeline.  And people wonder why we are fanatics.  I hope you have a chance to ride today and if you do, thank God you were granted at least one dream come true.  You did it.  You got yours.

"Have Another Beer and Shut The Fuck Up"

Someone we'll call "Fake Mother Fucker" had plenty of comments when I first started riding. 

Following are a few of them and best responses.  You might find yourself hearing these if you are a starting rider.  Go ahead, steal some of these...

"Hey cheesy rider."

---Speaking of cheese, why don't you go do something useful and make me a sandwich.

"Those things are dangerous."

---That's life.  By the way, did your daughter tell you about the riding jacket I bought her?  I used the money I was going to spend on motorcycle safety classes.

"I hope you're not thinking about taking (somebody's name) out on that thing."

---Na.  I'm gonna wait til the weekend.  Big storm in the forecast...it's much more exciting that way."

"You're gonna die!"

---Better that way than a heart attack brought on by all that crap you keep shoving in your pie hole.  Have another beer and shut the fuck up.

Funny bit of info:  One of the fools that made a bunch of these comments went out and bought the same model bike as mine 6 months later.  However, his had no brake light, or front / back turn signals.  Ah...cycle envy at it's finest.

If It Don't Fit...Get Off That Shit

You ride what you want when you want but I'm going to have to piss off a few people here.  Why on earth would you buy a bike that you know is too big or too small for you?  It can be unwise, uncomfortable and most of all unsafe.  Let's take these one at a time:

Bike too small -
A buddy of mine called from a gun show asking my opinion of a bike he took a picture of and sent to me.  Cool bike.  3-D flame job, hand stitched leather seat - real cool looking Sportster chopper.  I told him not to get it. Why?  He's over 6 ft 270 pounds.  Of course he bought it.  First ride we took from Leon Valley to Bandera and his ass was killing him.  To tell you the truth I felt more sorry for the poor bike than for his non-listening ass.  Even worse - he took out a loan to buy the bike.  Two months later he bought an Ultra Glide.  Two bikes, two loans.  I guess he's happier now.

Bike too big -
This one is more common.  I think it's because some guys feel they need some big sofa of a bike to fit in with imaginary bikers they don't know, will never meet and quite frankly wouldn't want to hang with them anyway.  I'm talking about the Tippy Toe Crew.  You've seen them at stops.  They are so on their tip toes that I'm sure at the end of the day the inside of their legs are chapped more than a long work day in certain seedy industries.  Look guys, if your bike is too big...its too big.  If you need proof of how dangerous it is, just take a look at this on youtube:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQcPYvc_-Wo.

Sometimes these guys have only one leg down and the other on the peg.  They hang half their ass off as not to look like a Tip Toe kid but you know they aren't fooling anyone.  Bike all leaned over and such.  C'mon man!

My girl and I always laugh when we see these guys.  She says, "tippy toes! tippy toes!" and I just shake my head.

There are a few things you can do to fix this other than adjusting the actual height of your bike (which can throw off your cornering and dynamics but still an option for some).

Get a lower profile seat.  Get bigger soled boots.  Buy a new bike.

Man, ride a bike that fits.  Heels down son!

It's On You Buddy

Not to sound like an a-hole but c'mon San Antonio riders.  We have had way too many deaths this summer.  I keep up on these stories every week because I am a guy who puts myself in that circumstance and think of how it could have been avoided.  Replaying this scenario in my head will prepare me for when (not if) that situation presents itself when I am out on the road.

So there are some no brainers:  1) Don't drive drunk or high.  Hey, what you do in your time off your bike is your issue.  I'm the very last one to point a finger here, trust me.  But if you do it on the road it becomes everyone's problem.  2) Take full responsibility for whatever happens on your bike.

That last one is a hard one for some people to accept but thinking like this will save your ass.  In other words, you wipe out pulling in to Taco Cabana because there was a patch of oil where you were turning in.  It's your fault.  You should have been scanning that patch of road and looking through the turn not at the damn curb you almost hit so had to lay down your bike.

Left hander turns out in front of you.  Your fault buddy.  Should have anticipated the bone head either sped up or slowed down, flashed your headlight or been in a different lane.

If you have ever had a spill the first word out of your mouth should be "I".  "I wasn't looking"..."I didn't look through the turn"..."I wasn't anticipating the dumb ass".  Keep thinking like this and you will keep the rubber on the road.