"Chould I pay heem back por de Aquanet?"

Bucket of KFC, backwards helmet and helmet hair.  We'll take them one by one:

Holy chicken wing.  I guess if you live in a liberal helmet law state like I do (thank God) you can pretty much get away with putting whatever you want on your head.  This dude said screw it, first I'm gonna eat it.  Then I'm gonna wear it.  More power to you man.  The good thing is he probably gave his helmet to his buddy although it looks like that's more of a batter's helmet.  Bicycle helmet on the handle bars?  This guy cuts his own path through life.  I respect that.



 

Now here's a gal that has all the right intentions but seems to have her priorities mixed up.  Deep thoughts:  If you wear a helmet backwards and fart in the wind do you crop dust yourself? 

 

 

We'll end on the topic of choice.  Yes, here in Texas we call it choice friendly.  When I took my MSF class they said that we do have a helmet law but it is not enforced unless you get a ticket.  Then they will give you the ticket and site you for no helmet as well.  Fair enough I guess.  Ah, but I think I have found a loophole for those looking for one.  Behold...the best of both worlds.  Famous last words:  "Chould I pay heem back por de Aquanet?"

Live your life to the fullest and cut your own path.  Bucket, backwards or hairy.  It's all good.

Best Riding Songs Playlist

For me music is a big part of riding.  Of course there are the standards like Born To Be Wild and anything Lynyrd Skynyrd.  AC/DC and Iron Maiden.  But here are  few that rarely make the standard lists.

These songs either mention bikes, just have a really good riding feel about them or somehow remind me of all the best things in life.

By the way, if you have access to the playstore, get the app called Music Paradise.  You can download all of these free. And no, thats not a plug just a really cool app.

Share your tops and I'll add them to the list.  Some of my favorite tracks:

Harley Davidson - Diesel Dahl Friends
Rock Candy - Sammy Haggar
The Rocker - Thin Lizzy
Cisco Kid - War
Harley Girl - The Charles
Harley Davidson Blues - Canned Heat
The Bomber - James Gang
Cold Shot - Stevie Ray Vaughn (include all SRV)
Can I Play With Madness - Iron Maiden
Drop Dead Legs - Van Halen
Mississippi Queen - Mountain
Calling Dr. Love - KISS

Rock on everybody.

How To Be A Real Biker

If you want to be corny as hell, I will do a blog about that later.  But first, here are what I have found to be universal truths to being a real biker:

#1 - Ride your damn bike.  I called a buddy to ride.  He said, "Naw man.  I haven't ridden that thing in months.  Not sure how long it would take to get it moving.  Still paying it off though."  Last time I called his ass.

#2 - Be in it for the ride, not the look.  Way too many corny motherfuckers out there trying to look what they consider to be the part yet they can't even change their own oil.  Always in the Dealership to buy clothes, never parts. 

#3 - Be an individual and respect individuality.  I took my bike to a family gathering.  I ride a stripped down bike.  Hell, its so stripped I even removed the chain guard.  (the only added weight are my piggy back shocks). My aunt was there with her new man and she says, "It's so skinny!  Look at that tiny tank.  You need some saddle bags and a windscreen at least.  The one Billy rides has all the bells and whistles."  Well then fuck Billy!  I got 1250 CCs on a bored out 400 pound bike.  Of course some would say, "I can ride across the country in one shot on my couch bike."  Good brother I can respect that.  See you at the next light.

My Big Black Friends

My big black friends are dirty as hell and that's how I like em.  They have saved my life more than once and have helped me out of some tricky situations.  I've relied on them to right a couple wrongs as well - they always get the job done.

Sometimes my big black friends smell REAL bad.  Like shit even.  But I still take them everywhere with me.  They are protection in a lot of ways.  My ol lady even wanted me to replace them once but there is no way in hell.  Man, it took a long time to get my big black friends to be just the way I wanted them.

Loyal?  Hell, they've been known to carry my knife or whatever else I don't want clunking around in my pockets.  They are down to ride with me every time I call.  Wherever and whenever.  Others have come and gone but these old friends have stood the test of time. 

I've had some funny looks walking into family gatherings with my big black friends.  If they only knew our history everyone would understand but some things are better left unsaid.  Quite frankly others don't want to know the full history of all the shit we've been through together.  Oh the things they have seen.  I bet you have some too.  And even though they are not very fancy,  they are always there when I need em.  Raise a toast to our big black friends.  Long live their loyalty, protection and spirit of adventure.

Craigslist MC - WTF!?

Every now and then I pop onto Craigslist to check out what garage finds I can get.  I even emailed a guy once who was selling a bike like mine and bought just the sissy bar for cheap.  Haven't had much luck trading out the seat this way though.  I wonder why.

But damn man I was on the other day and typed in "motorcycle" and came across someone recruiting for his MC!  Are you fucking kidding me man.  What kind of club is that and what are the members like who join this?  You are going to end up with a club full of dumbfucks with no loyalty and no commraderie.  Bunch of trolls.  So I came up with a couple of names for this club.  Tell me what you think:

Troll Patrol
Chicks with Dicks
The No Mames Crew
Tech Wreck
Turds and Nerds
and my favorite:
Pussy Boys MC

Do you have any good ones?  If I see their post again I'll send you a link.

Gravel - Helmets Don't Always Save Lives

One of the many fatalities the motorcycle community has suffered this year happened last week as a motorcyclist hit a patch of gravel.  He was wearing his helmet but it was the guy behind him that hit him that caused the fatality.  The reasons I write this column are two-fold.  To warn anyone traveling this route and to remind us all that dangers often come in multiples.

First, here is where the accident happened according to MySA.com:

"...exiting from the S.W. Loop 410 southbound lane to the Interstate 35 South ramp when he likely hit the gravel." 

Disclaimer: I was not there and I do not know the motorcyclist and in no way is this a comment about anyone's riding or this particular accident.  But as a reminder, make sure to look at edges and corners as that's where gravel and sand often accumulate. As always it is not only important to look far ahead but also to scan the road surface.   

But that's likely not what killed him.  There was a man exiting right behind him who hit him.  He was wearing a helmet.  There are just some things that tend to stack up in cases like this.  Was the guy behind him at a safe following distance?  Was the rider slowing down way too much through the turn that shortened that distance or was he being followed too closely?  What was the rate of speed?

These may never be answered but know that separating elements can be the difference between making it through a spill and not.  RIP fellow rider.

United Patriot Day

It is with the highest respect that I write this article. 

Today 2 million riders are expected to roll in to Washington DC as a memorial to the patriots who lost their lives on September 11th.  Our fallen countrymen who died on that day, the rescuers, the lost, the broken hearted. 

The resolve of our country was evident in how we have responded to the cowards who attacked us but most of all we have shown that together we can overcome anything.  Let us strive to stay the truly "United" States of America.  Despite our differences in thought, actions and belief, let us all remember that we are in this together as one country.  United.  RIP brave patriots.

"P" is for Pendeja (part 2)

In part 1 I told you about some of the dumb stuff people have asked me.  Here are some of the dumb things people do:

Cagers:

1) Following distance.  Good thing I keep a good one.  At least once per day it comes in handy.  Here's one occasion that had not often occurred to me...old age.  I'm behind this beauty of an old Lincoln and am looking ahead of him.  We start getting to a stop light and he stops a FULL 50 FT before the light.  And stays there until it turns green!  Once it did I was ready to let the driver know what I thought of him.  When I pulled up, there's grandpa.  Guess it will be me one day.

2) Double left hand turn.  Imagine two lanes at a stop light, both are able to turn left.  If you are in the right hand lane expect the guy to your left to get in your lane mid-turn.  Happens all the time to cars, much more I'm sure to bikes.  They just start driftin.  What I do is stay in the inner lane.  In other words, left hand lane in a right hand turn and vice versa.  My pops had a Camaro totaled out because some bitch did this.  I lost out on my t-top inheritance.  Damn.

Bikers:

1) Tip toe at stops. Not safe but over all just not a good look.  For more read my post "If it don't fit, get off that shit".

2) Passenger no helmet when the motorcycle driver (for lack of a better word in this case) IS wearing a helmet.  In Texas if you get in an accident and the passenger is injured and not wearing a helmet you will face charges.

3) Trying to look too much the part.  You have seen them.  All spanking new shit.  A hundred patches.  Take it easy brother, patches that are not earned should be burned.

You let me know what other dumb stuff goes on.  Yes, Virginia..."P" is for Pendeja!

"P" is for Pendeja - (part 1)

Dumb stuff people have asked me while riding:

1) Summer time at a Pizza Hut.  I have a summer riding mesh jacket with shoulder and elbow pads on the seat next to me.  Waitress asks:

"Why do motorcyclists wear jackets and gloves year round?  Is it cold riding?"  I'm thinking, bitch its 105 degrees outside.  Do you think it's cold?

2) I am sitting on my bike filling up at a gas station (and don't say its not safe I have heard that and I don't care).  Someone in our group asks:

"Are you going to stay on your bike while you gas it up?"  Dude, are you kidding me.  Can you not see that I am on my bike and filling it up.  No, I'm going to sit on my bike while you fill it up.

3) I walk in to a family get together - Texas summer heat.  I'm wearing basket ball shorts and tennis shoes.  Family member says:

"Did you ride your bike?"  Mother FUCKER!  Do you know what kind of bike I ride?  Do you think I would ride in shorts and tennis shoes so I can catch rocks all in my ankles, slip on oil when I put my foot down at stops and look like a total d-bag?  Have you not seen me with all my gloves and shit.  Have you ever, in your life, seen me get off my bike wearing bball shorts?

Yes my friends.  P is for Pendeja...

Choppers, Vegas and Lyndyrd Skynyrd

Ready for a cool story?  Check this shit out.  It was all about being at the right place at the right time and knowing what you have in front of you when other people don't.

About a year ago I was doing some shit in Vegas and was staying at the Hard Rock.  This place is bad ass.  Chicks, gambling, rock.  They even have a motorcycle ridden by Motley Cru that was once property of a big MC.  Shit, they even got a Johnny Cash outfit there.  Don't tell me that ain't the shit.  THEY HAVE A STEVIE RAY VAUGHN GUITAR THERE.  It's got to be a bit like mecca.

Anyway I get back to the hotel mid-day and they are setting up all this stuff for a biker build off.  Okay now I'm interested.  It turns out to be a Discovery Channel Biker Build Off with ass munky, jessy jaims and the pull senior and pull junior.  It was okay.  If you are interested here's a pic but this was a side show.  Who do you think was playing the intermission (read commercial breaks as this was a live televised show).  Lynyrd Skynyrd you dumb ass, didn't you read the name of the post?!

Right before the television show ended they said, "stick around and for Lynyrd Skynyrd who are going to play a show right after the Build Off.

Now here's where I lucked out and other people there were so damn stupid, shallow and just overall numb nuts.  This just goes to show how shallow some people are now that watch these biker shows.  They are all hooping and hollering about these ass monkeys on stage and what happens when the taping ends?  People start leaving.  I said People Start Leaving.  WTF is wrong with you people?  This was general admission so you could sit wherever you want.

Were these real biker fans or just a bunch of posers.  That's not a question.  You know they were a bunch of (fill in your expletive).

Skynard invited everyone to come on down to the stage and played a full hour and a half of all their best.  Rocked the shit out of the house for an intimate group of no more than 250 fans.  Man they played like they were in a packed stadium and they knew who their real audience was.  I was stoked.   Everyone was kick ass.  They are such a class act they went all out.  Here's how close I got and didn't have to pay a dime.  This was a gift from one of the world's best to their loyal fans.

I woke up the next morning an just couldn't get the smile off my face.  Later that day I loaded all those Skynard songs onto my device, the live versions when I could, and went for a cruise.  Sweet Home Alabama never sounded so good.

A Day Without A Ride

Unfortunately I am stuck out of town and can't ride today.  It sucks.  BAD.  So I pass my time on the road looking at bikes on the highway.  I look at how they shine in the sun.  I watch how their riders lean or don't into turns.  I study the mechanics of their tires on the road.  I see hot chicks on the back and not so hot chicks on the back.  Lady riders and sports.  Jackets of all sorts.  Patches.  Denim.

Man, if I had my bike right now I would be hauling some ass with the wind in my face probably jamming out to Iron Maiden or maybe Thin Lizzy.  Could be some James Gang or vintage Rush.  Meeting up with Crazy Steve or Wild Bill.  Just out there trying to find an open road just on the outskirts of town.  Moving 1200CC of pure poetry throughout the hill country or go down by the Alamo real slow like.  Through King William and out toward Floresville.

Now I know how ZZ Topp felt when they said, "When I get back my old blue jeans...Lord how happy could one man be."  When I get back on my bike it's gonna be like breathing again.  You lucky bastards...go and do likewise my friends.

Alternative Pre Ride Checklist

Sure, tires, lights and all that.  Now, here is the alternative check list:

Take a leak and whatever else you need to do.  Nothing worse than taking off and having that on your mind the whole time.  Especially if you're this guy:

Blow your nose.  Once you get rolling you are not going to want to try shooting a snot rocket going 80.  Guess where that snot rocket is going to go once it leaves your face hole.  Right back atcha!

Gas card / cash.  I once ran out of gas at the pump and had to have the little lady come by with the card.  Not cool.

Make sure that the phone, ipod or whatever is charged up.  I always ride with music.  People have different opinions on this but whatever.  You do what you want to do.   I have a phone charger that runs from under the seat to my tool pouch (whoah!) so if I'm on a long ride it's no big deal.  I bought it off the internet with a 6ft chord for about $20.  You might not think you need a 6ft chord but its better to have too much than not enough.  That's life in general!

Sun glasses - check.  Rolled up long sleeve if I'm wearing a t-shirt - check.  Clean off the glasses, goggles and / or visor - check.  Fuel level - check.

Last but certainly not least I have a ritual when I leave my home.  ALWAYS hug and kiss the wife and kids.  If you can't do this because there is strife in the house you likely won't be riding clear headed.  Plus it's dangerous on the road - 'nuff said.

Hit the road knowing all is well and all will be well on the road.  Now go and rev the piss out of your engine, hit some twisties and ride like a pro, not a ho.